Non-financial needs -- HELP!

If you live in my area and have some time, I'll take whatever time you can give me to help with packing and stuff like that. I am still working 3 jobs and trying to get this all done. This is a list of what I need right now. Call me if you think you can help.

• Boxes -- if you pick some up, leave them on my porch any time.
• Someone to take my furniture to the consignment store -- sooner rather than later. I need to get everything outta here except the bed, a TV and a couch. I'm SERIOUS. The place won't sell or rent with all this junk in here. :)
• Someone to take little stuff to Goodwill or the charity of your choice. I've got to get it off the porch. Or call Goodwill and arrange for them to come get it.
• Someone to help me pack.
• Someone who might have a climate-controlled area to store the things we aren't going to sell or take with us: Some boxes of scrapbooks and family mementos, some family furniture I don't want to sell: a desk, hall table, dresser and bedstand (you can use it or store it).

More to come

ups and downs

Just got an e-mail today from a group of women I have known since Sept 1999. That is the month we sent our paperwork to china for our babies. I have only met a few of them, but we are very close. They said they would pay for our passports! That is just too much. I don't even know what to say.

It has been an overwhelming day. I talked to Raj this morning, directed my 8th graders in their big production of Caesar this morning after teaching my 8 a.m. class at the Tech School here. Had conflicting advice from people I really respect about how to handle my car and house and it seems overwhleming to ever get ready in 6 weeks.

On the other hand, I've been getting a lot of confirmation that this is right for me. I LOVE Raj as a "boss" and I'm ready to go. I'm just NOT ready to do all the packing. Why do I have so much stuff?!?

If you live near me and are willing to help out with some things, please contact me. I need stuff. I'll put it on another blog entry.

Karyn

april 27 update out of order

THis update is published out of order. I found it in my drafts box! But wanted to get it up here. Don't know how to change the order of things. Sorry. But please read the more cenent updates.

Some of these are prayer requests and others are needs I have (financial, etc.) I don't want to be disingenuous and pretend to ask for prayer when I really want money (or something else) but I truly do want you to pray. If you feel moved to give money or time or whatever, DON'T do it unless you are SURE it is what God wants you to do. He can totally meet my needs. He has the money.

• I told Raj I want to go and he is going to check my references. Please pray about this as my current boss does NOT like me AT ALL.
• Since I've been unemployed or part-time employed for the past 4 years, I don't have any extra cash anywhere to spare. I am going to ask Raj if I can raise some support to help me with expenses involved in getting to Japan and to help pay for care for Bonnie while I'm there. Not sure if he will allow that to go through his organization or if I need to have someone else do it, but no WAY do I want the money to go to me. There needs to be accountability AND I am hoping I can get tax-exempt status if it goes to Raj's ministry for my use (like missionaries typically do).
• Urgent: $350 to get Bonnie's and my passports. I can't even begin the process until I have the money to pay and then it takes about 2 weeks.
• Help packing up. I don't have much time to empty this place out and take things to storage, consignment stores and good will. I'd like to have a garage sale to raise some of the money I need, but not sure i have the time/energy since I am still working!!!!! My dream is that someone would volunteer to do that for me. :) Ha!
• I need to get out of the lease on my car. I've been told this will be impossible -- but we know God can do it. Please pray about this. IF I can't get out of it, I will have to either: abandon my plans to go to Japan, declare bankruptcy or let them repossess the car. I need God's intervention, frankly -- a miracle.
• A place to store my stuff. I think I can get it down to a few boxes, but I can't leave them in an attic becuase my photos and stuff can't be exposed to the elements.
• A property management company willing to take this on for a reasonable price. I have NO idea what I'm getting into here and need wisdom.
• Stamina to finish my responsibilities at my two schools. York Tech finishes next week. Woodlawn finishes the first week in June. Bonnie finishes May 23.
• Money to pay to send some boxes to Japan since we can only take suitcases each.
• Someone to volunteer to send us American food, TV shows/movies and possibly music (from radio), church services etc. Also some medicines -- over the counter and prescription. I will NOT be able to survive in Japan without it.
• Figure out what to do about my allergy shots. I'm allergic to rice, soy and chicken so I need to be able to take these shots in Japan. I can give them to myself, but the serum only lasts a few weeks. :(

Does this seem daunting? It seems challenging to me. God is so gracious! I have the attitude (which could only come from HIM) that He is in control and it will all be OK. For Bonnie's sake, I refuse to panic. IF God is sending us, it will be a calm and peaceful process with NO YELLING!

Japan Prayer Needs

This is the first set of prayer requests that I sent out. Answers are in blue.

• Reassurance that this is the right thing to do. On 4-27, I told Raj I felt God wanted me to go forward. Many of my friends have pointed out the pros and cons and I appreciate all of you. I don't want people to just agree with me! I need to go into this realistically. I feel God could be "calling" me to Japan. Now I just wait for the open/closed doors.
• An indication from Bonnie that she is willing to go (so far, so good) We have talked about it. She cried a little at the thought of leaving all her friends, but generally she is positive and sometimes even excited! But she really has no clue what she is getting into. Please pray for her
• The same peace that I had about going to Japan the first time (doesn’t mean absence from fear! I had plenty of that, but I knew it was from God. Raj and I both know that when things get tough in Japan I will need to remember that God wants me there.) On Wednesday, I asked God to just give me reassurance that He was with me though this and He graciously gave me even more -- the peace -- the same peace I had before that He knows what He created when He formed me and He knows where I will thrive, even if it flies in the face of man's logic. Japan is good for me -- it was before and it will be again. (And if it isn't, we can always go home!)
• Support from some people I respect who know me and what I’ve been going through the past few years (some of those people may be YOU!)
• Indication that I will be able to sell my car
• and RENT my condo (I don’t want to sell it – long story) I've been given the names of several property management companies who may be interested which is good enough for me to move forward. Of course, I need to be praying that someone will be willing to do it for the right price. Fortunately, my mortgage is pretty low.
• The “right” answers from Raj about a couple of concerns
• Indication that some of my friends will support us (prayer, initial finances to get over there, help with the condo, connections sending stuff and helping me with my U.S. banking while we’re in Japan).
• Indication that we’ll be able to get passports by mid-June (both of ours have expired). No problem with timing, but they will be very expensive and I don't have the $350 this will take.
• Please also pray for the Crafts, Bonnie’s adopted grandparents. This will be VERY hard for them to deal with. Pray especially for Howard. Merle was very supportive when I told her, but I knew it would be harder on Howard, especially since his son died last year. I cried when I told Merle about all of this, but she was so sweet. Please continue to pray for Howard.

Rising Sun -- maybe

BIG STUFF happening here. Let me give you the story as it happened. On Monday I went to church to sign my daughter up for summer sports camps. While there, I see a notice on the employment bulletin board about a guy I know who is looking for teacher's in Japan. This reminds me that a friend had mentioned this opportunity to me before and I need to check it out. I call the guy and we start talking about it. Sounds a lot like what I did in Japan for six years - working at a private school, teaching mostly kids. I casually ask him where the school is. "Kurashiki," he answers. I almost drop the phone. Kurashiki is the town one train stop away from where I lived in Japan. I actually TAUGHT at a school in Kurashiki for several years. Kurashiki is one of my favorite places in Japan. It is "home." I start to get excited and we decide to meet the next day. By the end of our conversation, he tells me that he would like me to come to Japan for at least a year, possibly long-term/semi-permanently as a teacher/manager of the school. I am supposed to give him an answer by Tuesday, May 2 BECAUSE he needs this person to start mid-June (yes, folks, that is less than 6 weeks from now). So I am thinking about it until Tuesday and then if I decide to go forward, it will depend on things like getting a passport in time, selling my car(I'm in a very unfriendly lease) and renting out my condo. If all of that works out, we will be OUTTA here mid June. Unbelievable.

So, I think this blog may transition into a place to record this saga so everyone can keep up. :) Should be an exciting journey.

Imagine Me 2

I went through a short period of Kirk Franklin love last week. :)

Ain't he cute? But he's married, girls, so stop that thinking. I don't know much about the guy or his life, but I like the fantasy I'm creating. LOL. I watched his video, Lean on Me, at Yahoo videos. Very cool. I highly recommend you look at it. It is moving. Young girl in the ghetto with a baby has a fight with her boyfriend and gets kicked out. She sits on the steps, watching the guys around her play basketball, whatever. And someone comes up and puts an arm around her. Sits on the steps with her, holds the baby, literally holding her burden for her. This is something I think white Christian America is missing. We have so much and we can't comprehend what it's like to have so little. Sure, when Katrina hits we rush to take in a "victim" and salve our consciences, but we keep our distance. The black church and the white church stay separate (especially here in SC). The black church, with so little, gives its "widow's mite" to those with even less while the white churches build huge monuments to its success, installs stained-glass windows, employs Mexican gardners to manicure the church grounds. How will we face God when we die and explain how we spent one dollar on bricks while His people starved around us?

"Lean On Me"

This is for that little child with no father
For that man that doesn't have a place to stay
For that little boy living with AIDS

There's a man
Standing on the corner
He has no home
He has no food
And his blue skies are gone
Can't you hear him cryin' out

And there's a girl
Searching for a father and a friend
Praying that the storm someday will end
But instead of walking away
Open up your heart and say

I am here
You don't have to worry
I can see your tears
I'll be there in a hurry when you call
Friends are there to catch you when you fall
Here's my shoulder, you can lean on me

Oh, there's a child
Who is sick and begging to be free
But there is no cure for his disease
He looks up to his mother and
As she holds his hand
Prayin' that someday
The sun will shine again
And the pain will end

I am here
You don't have to worry
I can see your tears
I'll be there in a hurry when you call
Friends are there to catch you when you fall
Here's my shoulder, you can lean on me


Tell me, how can I, how can I love Jesus
When I've never seen His face
Yeah, I see you dying
And I turn and walk away

So hold my hand
Let me take you to a friend of mine
He's waiting just to ease your troubled mind
He loves you more than you'll ever know
'Stead of walking away
Open up your heart and say

I am here
You don't have to worry
I can see your tears
I'll be there in a hurry when you call
Friends are there to catch you when you fall
Here's my shoulder, you can lean on me
You're my friend but you're also my brother
Here's my shoulder, you can lean on me

Quote of the Moment

One of my favorite mailings is from Voice of the Martyrs, started by Richard Wurmbrand who spent 14 years in Romanian prisons. I recently ran across a scrap of paper I had saved from one of their magazines . My green pen had drawn a square around a couple of paragraphs that must have meant a lot to me a few months ago when I read it. It's something that only a "square peg" would have written:

"No, I will not deny Him. My mind does not know who He is or where He is. When I was strung up by my arms with my toes barely reaching the floor . . ., I had no evidence that He exists. I was inclined to accuse Him as St. Theresa before me dared to accuse Him, 'O Lord, no wonder You have so few friends when You treat them so hard.' But I believe in the incomprehensible and terrible One. I believe that He is love, although at this moment I feel nothing of His love. I have to believe in its expression in a sacrifice 2000 years ago. I will not leave Him, nor deny Him, even if [it seems] He leaves me."

Some people are able to go through hardships gracefully. It never occurs to them to utter the words of St. Theresa -- but I'm not one of them. I have often, often said these same words to God: Why do you treat us so hard? The answer to that question could fill several books on theology and I'm not going to get into it now. Yet, I wonder what it is in us, at least some of us like Wurmbrand, Theresa and me, that goes on believing even when we feel that God is NOT sustaining us, and in fact, He might be the one inflicting the pain on us (which is not true, but the way we feel sometimes). I suspect it is God's Spirit living in us Who keeps that hope up. Without that, where would we be?

The good news is that even if we do deny Him, He remains faithful. He cannot deny Himself. (2 Timothy 2:13)

Imagine Me

This morning I went to meet with a friend of mine at church. He is one of the ministers and I guess he is supposed to be helping me get a grip on my life. While we were talking, I mentioned to him a song I ran into recently by Kirk Franklin called "Imagine Me." I was trying to tell him what it was all about when he jumped on his computer and pulled up the lyrics on the internet. "Do you mean this one?" he asked as he started reading:

Thank you for allowing me to see myself the way you see me . . .

Imagine me
loving what I see when the
mirror looks at me cuz I
I imagine me

"Yes, that's the one," I answered. As he continued reading, I began to cry.

In a place
of no insecurities And
I'm finally happy cuz
I imagine me

Letting go
of all of the ones who hurt me
cuz they never did deserve me
can you imagine me ?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me,
Lord can you imagine me ?

Being a man of action, my friend promptly downloaded the song (legally!) and it started to boom out of the speakers in his office, filling the room:

over what ma mamma said
And healed from what my daddy did And
I wanna live and not read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally
finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
but finally I can...
Imagine me

I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me like a gentle waterfall, splashing over my hair, falling down my shoulders, filling the room.

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
you won't get that joy this time around
can you imagine me?

In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fear's gone away
Can you imagine me?

I think of heaven. No fear. No pain. No crying. No sickness. No hurt. NO PAST!

Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance And
my heart will dance
Cause I don't have to read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally

finally I can...
Imagine me

I admit it was hard to see

You being in love with someone like me but

finally I can...
Imagine me

I imagine me being free. Ill be honest with you, it was hard.

Spoken:

This song is dedicated to people like me -- always they struggle with insecurities, acceptance and even self esteem. You never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough. But imagine God whispering in your ear letting you know that everything that has happened is now gone. It's all gone. Every sin, every mistake, every failure, it's all gone. Depression, it's al gone. By faith, it's gone. Low self esteem, allelujia it's gone, all gone. All my scars, all my pain, it's in the past. It's yesterday it's all gone. God, No! What your mother did, what your faither did. Hallelujia. It's gone.

Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone

My friend and I talked about a lot of other stuff today, but what will stay in my mind forever is that moment, that song playing, knowing that he feels so many of the same things I do and knowing that the music was washing over him as it was washing over me. The tears rolling down my face as I listened to something I know is only a fingertip away from me -- the place where it is all gone. The ability not to read that page again. To tear it out, crumple it up and fling it into the fire. God sees us there already and when I hear that song, for a moment, I see myself there, too. It HAS to be possible. It's the only thing I have left to hope for.

Kaycee

Et tu, Brute?

If you're not into Shakespeare, you might not want to read this one. My 8th grade English students are currently reading Caesar and one way I'm getting them to understand it is by having them rewrite it in their own slang. Some of what they write just cracks me up! I had to share it. This is why I LOVE teaching. When I first met these jokers in August, I never expected something this clever out of them. Working on this Caesar project is EXACTLY why I love teaching.

Here's a small excerpt from Act 1, Scene 2. Cassius (the guy who came up with the idea to assassinate Caesar because he is becoming too power hungry) approaches Brutus (Caesar's best friend) to get a sense of whether or not he might convince Brutus to join his side. In the distance, the people are shouting as Caesasr is offered the crown and turns it down.

Cassius: What’s up dude? You’re like, not here.
Brutus: I’m sick. Just ignore me.
Cassius: I feel your pain dude. Don’t fret it. You’re cool.

Sound of shouting

Brutus: Why the shouting? Did the peeps choose Caesar as king? (note: "peeps" means "people"
Cassius: (in a mocking tone)Why, are you scared?
Brutus: No, should I be?
Cassius: Darn straight. Caesar’s not my daddy. I had his back in a shootout once and he got capped. But I saved him and now he thinks I’m dirt.

Sound of shouting

Brutus: Those fools are shouting again? Can’t they get enough?
Cassius: He’s not our president. Let’s pull a JFK. That stupid fly. We should pull up to that bumper and smack that monkey.
Brutus: If you don’t pay me no respect, I don’t care, fool. I’d rather be back on the west side than thrust into this political stuff.
Cassius: You feelin’ me, dog, but I know you want some of this.
Brutus: The games are through.
Cassius: Yo, when they come this way, dawg, grab my G, Cinna, he’ll tell us what the big brother been doing. Note: "G" means "friend"

Caesar and Antony enter and stay on the other side of the stage.

Brutus: (whispers to Cassius) I feel ya. What’s wrong with my friend Caesar? He looks a cracka. "cracka" is "white cracker" and it means "pale"
Cassius: See what the matta be.

Caesar to Antonia: Antonia. Note:Antony is being played by a girl in our production

Antony: Sir?
Caesar: Can we trust Cassius? He looks hungry for power.
Antony: He won’t betray us.
Caesar: We aren’t the best of mates. He might, oh, how do the commoners say it – “cramp my style”. What do you think?
Antony: “He ain’t trippin,” as the commoners say.

And here's the scene where the conspirators come to Brutus' house in the middle of the night:

Cassius: Why you trippin’ Brutus?
Brutus: I’ve been awake all night. Who’re these fools?
Cassius: These fools wanna put caps in Caesar. You know our brutha, Casca.
Brutus: Wazzup?
Cassius: And our brutha from another mutha, Cinna.
Brutus: Come in. What’s happening?
Cinna: Group hug!
Casssius: Westside!

Quote of the Moment

I'd like to commit to doing these every day or even every week, but I know my limits. Just wanted to share this quote:

"You cannot add to the peace and good will of the world if
you fail to create an atmosphere of harmony and love right
where you live."

*Thomas Dreier


I have a passion for peace and good will in the world, but I'm not so good at creating harmony right where I live. So many things are like this. We can love our "neighbors" globally, but it's much harder to love the guy right down the street. Why is that? I think for me it's because I like the notion of peace and good will and when viewed globally it's abstract and something that would be nice to do -- some day. But when viewed as the guy next door or even the person who lives in my home with me, that's much harder. I have to sacrifice something to create harmony and love right here.

The hypocrisy of this torments me. I want to be Mother Teresa loving the unloveable -- touching the untouchables. I find myself in a deadly serious life struggle as I watch the round pegs all around me loving the world abstractly. But that blasted square peg won't let me drift in the sea of round pegs. That squared off top keeps scratching and cutting the smooth roundness all around me. I want to run off and love the lepers, save the orphans, singlehandedly turn around the foster child system in the U.S.

But I'm also a very sensitive square peg. Do you remember the movie Edward Scissorhands? His hands were made of sharp scissors. He was so odd and even scary. He wanted to give you a hug, but he would accidentally stab you instead. A few people embraced him; they saw beyond the huge scissor waving in their faces. They saw that Edward had scars on his own face, from cutting himself. They rescued him. For the life of me, I can't remember how that movie ended. Did the townspeople crucify him? Did they accept him? Did he destroy himself? I don't know. And my life is the same way. Will anyone accept me? Will I destroy everyone around me? Will I destroy myself?

Or will I save the world?

Or neither?

I want to be the one who saves the world. But I am sure I will never do it. This is my struggle. Since I am a serious, "real" (whatever term you care to use) Christian, I have been taught that the answer to this struggle has something to do with God. But I can't figure it out. I guess I am going through a spiritual crisis.

I hope I survive it.

KayCee

Square Pegs

Recently I had a friend suggest to me the reason why I have struggled in a job search is because I am a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. The fact that I wasn't offended by this comment proves just what a square peg I really am. Life is hard for us square pegs. We see round pegs all around us and we long to be like them. But we just aren't. It can't be helped. When my friend, Nancy, made her square peg comment, it was liberating. I realized that, in the past, whenever I embraced my "squareness", I was a lot "happier" (and happiness is a relative term, especially for me). We can only be what we are. So for all the square pegs out there and for those who love them, welcome to Kaycee's World. Since I live for feedback and approval, please comment liberally, but only if you can be nice. :)

KayCee