One of the guys from my church, who has been guiding/listening to me for several months now, asked me, "What does Karyn want to do?" Last night, I wrote to them both and told them what Karyn wants and at the end I told them I was NOT going.
But after that, I saw myself in Kurashiki. I saw myself working with the students. I saw Bonnie going to school happy. I saw myself building relationships and gently showing people the God I know. What was this? Somehow, telling them I didn't want to go, freed me to go!
But this morning I still wasn't sure. Then I got this e-mail from my friend Violette (the TEAM missionary) this morning:
Violette wrote: One time I was worried about a decision I had to make. Finally I was able to commit it to God and just expect Him to answer. Then I heard His still small voice telling me what to do, when I wasn't even expecting it. It was while I was working on something. But I felt Him telling me the answer and then I could go forward in confidence.
I learned that worrying, fretting, fearing prevents/hinders you from hearing God. Believing, trusting, expecting prepares you to hear God. It seems worry and fear clutter your mind - so you can't hear! Faith and trust clears your mind - so you can hear!
I read somewhere that worry replaces God on center stage of your life.
Confess it, and put God back on center stage through faith. I like this definition of faith - faith is expecting God to work.
Well, I pray that God will give you faith that He WILL guide you! It would be fun to have you back!
That is where I’ve been for days. After getting this e-mail, I recognized myself. I threw myself on my bed, crying and said, “Daddy, tell me what to do.” And I felt a peace envelope me.
Here is what the new, confident, unafraid Karyn wants:
Karyn wants what God wants.
Karyn wants meaning and purpose in her life no matter where God sends (or keeps me)
Karyn wants what is best for Bonnie (that means eternally best, not necessarily best here on earth).
And finally, Karyn wants to make an informed decision.
So this is what I NEED to do in order to make this decision and this is what I am going to do:
Send an e-mail to my friends/family telling them about the need in Japan and our desire to work for God there and ask if they are willing to support us – with prayer, with their hands (for people in Rock Hill who can help us move) and financially. I won’t ask for a pledge or commitment, but some idea of what they feel led to give. I need to know that before I can decide to go because I simply can’t do it on my own.
Talk to Rachel (the girl currently doing the job) and get some potential childcare lined up (she gave me at least 10 definate possibilities, including a 24 hour daycare center that Agape goes to to teach English and we may be able to work out a deal with them).
Talk to the Japan education expert about what the law is in Japan regarding homeschooling, etc. so I know what I am required to do.
Talk to Raj and get something definate from him about what will happen if my car/condo doesn’t sell/rent/lease before I leave.
If I get the right answers to the above, I will go to Japan. If I don't, then it will be a closed door. Maybe God wasn't telling me what HIS WILL is because the answer was "Not yet. I gave you a mind to make an informed decision. A foolish man presumes upon God. A wise man is prudent and knows what he is getting into before rushing ahead like a fool. "
When I said I didn't want to go, it was out of fear. My dream is the same now as it has been for years -- to go overseas and serve God as a missionary. What in the world was I thinking?
This is MY DECISION. I am totally confident with it.
I am going to Japan IF
- I get the money I need
- I can get quality childcare for Bonnie
- I have aPLAN for my home and car if they are not sold/leased/rented before I leave
- People here in Rock Hill will help me pack and get it all done
If not, that is a closed door.
FINAL ANSWER
TAKE THE DEAL
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