It's all good

When I left Japan to come to the United States in 2001, I was a stressed out basket case. I have often wished I had done it differently, been calmer, been more of a rock for Bonnie. That is one thing I have been praying about this time and I think it's going better. Not perfect, but God has been so good to help me with this. I am so excited about going to Japan. I'm happy getting rid of all the stuff in the house and in a way, starting over again. I have a very positive attitude and that's all good. :)

The details

• I am going to have a local realtor/property management company handle my condo. They can lease it or sell it. Since it's not in very good condition, they will lease it for a year and if we decide to stay in Japan longer, we will put it on the market. I feel good about this because I will have someplace to come back to if I need it, but if I decide to stay I won't have to get a different realtor to handle it. They handle several condos in my complex and the amount of rent they want to charge is more than I need to cover my mortgage and homeowners, which is good.
• Packing. I have the world's most awesome friend come over every few days and help me power pack. Of course there is a never-ending procession of stuff, but it is getting cleared out slowly. The world's second most awesome friend comes every day and takes boxes to good will or the local e-bay reseller for me. Bonnie has been a trooper carrying trash to the dumpster. :)
• Money. We have about $250 monthly and $1000 one time. That covers Bonnie's plane ticket, but not what I need to pay for babysitters for her. It could be easy to worry, but what can I do about it? God will provide one way or the other. It is nerve wracking to see HOW He will do it, though.
• Keep praying for Bonnie. She is ambivilent and it is hard on her. She will be fine, of course, but she's moody and not sleeping or eating well.
• Pray for the Crafts, Bonnie's adopted grandparents. This is so very hard on them. They lost a son about a year ago and now they are losing her. There is potential for a strained relationship without the Lord's intervention.
• Pray for my stamina. I'm still driving 2 hours every day to work, doing all the cooking and cleaning, packing, washing clothes and dishes, etc. The house is slowly turning upside down and that can add stress as well. I am also teaching until June 8th and they aren't inclined to cut me any slack.
• Pray for childcare for Bonnie in Japan. I've checked into some possibilities, but they aren't working out too well. God must have something in mind, though. :)

Thanks for reading and praying and helping.

Karyn and Bonnie

Prayer Requests 5-13-06

Excited and scared today. I found a bunch of boxes and have started packing, packing. Why do I have so much stuff? At least I can throw/give a lot of it away.

1. Praise God that we are going to Japan. After so many years of waiting and longing for a job and a ministry, it is finally here.
2. Pray that I will be wise in sorting through my stuff and the things I give away go to people who need them. That God will be glorified even in this.
3. Friends to help me pack, find boxes and run errands these next few weeks. (I have some already, but need more)
4. Some guys to take heavy stuff downstairs and away.
5. The "right" realtor/management agent to handle my condo. Wisdom in knowing whether to sell, rent or combo of both.
6. God to work in the hearts of the car dealership so I can give my car back and pay a penalty rather than voluntarily surrender it (affects credit rating almost like a repossession and not a good testimony)
7. Calm, patience -- not two of my natural traits
8. That I will be willing to lean on God, remember to turn to Him when I get nervous or overwhelmed
9. Pray for Bonnie. She has a good attitude, but this is a big thing for her. She is watching her stuff go away and is losing all her friends and everything she knows. I can see God's peace settling over her. I'm so grateful for that.
10. Pray for the Crafts, Bonnie's adopted grandparents. Many of you know them and you know what a knife this is in their hearts right now.
11. Pray with me against the enemy who likes to remind me of all the things I didn't like about Japan and bring up seemingly insurmountable obstacles and all of my insecurities.
12. Money, money, money. Just pray. God will move people to give. I am not being disingenuous. I am not asking YOU to give (or give more). But we need more monthly support for one year and definitely more one-time money. It doesn't even have to come from people. It could come through the sale of our stuff (I am not selling all the household goods because it's not a good use of my time, but I do have some nice items that I will consign) or other ways, but that is my biggest worry right now. I have no savings whatsoever and I do have some debt that has accumulated over the lean years.

Our God is an awesome God

He reigns from heaven above

With wisdom, power and love

Our God is an awesome God

I can't breathe

June 28th

That's the date. Had a meeting with my church and Raj this morning and we ARE going to Japan. I am going to get passports next week and put my house and car on the market. This is where the rubber hits the road.

I MUST trust that God will provide.

But I am SCARED! Good thing greater people than I have been in the same situation. Hudson Taylor the founder of China Inland Mission (now known as Overseas Missionary Fellowship, I think) said, "God's work done in God's way will never lack God's supply."

I have tried to go about this in God's way. I'm sure it is God's work. So now I look for God's supply. Wish it was a easy to do as it is to WRITE! After my first support letter, I got pledges of about $150 per month and $500 one-time with more people saying they would make decisions when I had made MY decision. My church feels this is good enough to go on. It scares me, frankly. But, you know what? Even what I have now is more than I've made here in the U.S. for quite a while! So, it's not like I'm leaving a sure thing for a risky thing. :)

My faith is very, very small -- but it maybe is the size of a mustard seed. Another quote from Hudson: "God isn't looking for people of great faith, but for individuals ready to follow Him." I hope that's true. I have been willing to follow Him to Asia for several years now. Heck, I was willing to follow Him the first time He asked me if I wanted to go.

I'm scared, but I'm learning to throw that stuff on God right away. I can't tell you how many times in the past few weeks I have prayed these two prayers over and over:
1. God help me!
2. Satan get away from me!

Reminds me of another quote by Taylor: "God uses men who are weak and feeble enough to lean on him." I have always been weak and feeble, but haven't been good at leaning on Him. I have resisted that and it is still my tendancy. What a strange person for God to send as a missionary. I am not one of great faith. I am not a prayer warrier. I am not one who is "in love" with God. But I am a willing follower with an unquenchable desire to do "missions" in Japan. God surely chooses stange people, doesn't He?

But one thing I do have in my favor (if there is such a thing in a situation like this!) is that I believe God is BIG. Another famous missionary, William Carey, who worked in India, said "Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God." That is a theme that has come out of my prayers the past two weeks. Either God is big or He isn't. If He is God and He is big then getting me to Japan is a small thing for Him. I want to see a big God. That is what I long for.

So I am going forward, but it is going to take a BIG God.

Please pray for the following major things right now:

• That God would provide the monthly support and one-time finances we need. This is mostly for things to be comfortable for Bonnie the first year. I could live on very little in Japan and have done so, but it's harder with a child.
• If there are more people I should approach for support, that God will give me wisdom about that.
• That I can liquidate my car and condo (this seems impossible to me)
• That I can get my house packed up (I will need help from people on this)
• That God will continue to reassure Bonnie about the move (and me, too, for that matter)

THANKS!!!

What motivates me

If God calls you to be a missionary, don’t stoop to be a king.

Jordan Grooms

I have but one candle of life to burn,

and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness

than in a land flooded with light

John Keith Falconer

Sympathy is no substitute for action.

David Livingstone, missionary to Africa

We talk of the Second Coming;

half the world has never heard of the first.

Oswald J. Smith

There is nothing in the world or the Church --

except the church's disobedience --

to render the evangelization of the world

in this generation an impossibility.

Robert Speer, leader in Student Volunteer Movement

When James Calvert went out as a missionary

to the cannibals of the Fiji Islands,

the ship captain tried to turn him back, saying,

"You will lose your life and the lives of those with you

if you go among such savages."

To that, Calvert replied, "We died before we came here."

Every man is a missionary,

now and forever,

for good or for evil,

whether he intends or designs it or not.

He may be a blot

radiating his dark influence outward

to the very circumference of society,

or he may be a blessing

spreading benediction

over the length and breadth of the world.
Thomas Chalmers

Lost people matter to God,

and so they must matter to us.

Keith Wright

Why we are going to Japan

I recently created a powerpoint presentation to explain why we are going to Japan as missionaries and why this trip is different from the simple pleaseure trip we took before. I have modified the power point for this blog. What are the spiritual needs of Japan? If you want to know more, read on . . .


When you think of Japan, what comes to mind?


The graceful curves of a Tori shrine?
A colorful kimono draped over a white-faced girl?
Majestic Mt. Fuji crowned in white?


When I think of Japan, I see all these things.
But I also see an extremely wealthy, consumer-driven nation where work defines the meaning of life and ancestors are gods.


In a nation teeming with 127 million people, less than 1 percent of them are Christians.
I saw this for myself when I lived in Japan from 1995-2001.
The first year I was there, I was telling the children in my classes about Christmas. “Who’s birthday is on Christmas,” I asked the group of 8-to-10-year olds. Expecting the obvious answer, I could hardly disguise my shock when I heard their answer.
“Santa Claus,” they replied confidently.
I took quick surveys in my classes and out of the 100 or more students I had contact with weekly, only a handful had ever heard of Jesus, much less knew that Christmas was the celebration of His birth.
“Yesu Kuristo” rang a bell with the few children who had gone to the local Catholic school.
Otherwise, I faced bewilderment.
“Kuristo” and “Kurisumas” I pointed out to them the similarity. Slowly the light began to dawn.
That year I found a book at the local Catholic bookstore (the only place in my small town that had anything Christian at all) that told the story of Christmas in Japanese. We got out paper and crayons and made a manger scene for the wall. I got candles and we lit them, while I got our Japanese school manager to read the story to them in Japanese. Then we sang silent night
and had Christmas cookies. One hundred more Japanese knew about Jesus that Christmas.


Japan is one of the hardest mission fields in the world today. Japanguide.com recently polled its members about their religious belifs. “Religion clearly seems to be rather unimportant in Japanese daily life,” they concluded.
When asked what religion they affiliate with, 52 percent of those surveyed said, “none.” Forty-seven percent chose Buddhism or Shintoism (or both). Although 11 percent indicated they feel closest to Christianity, that doesn’t mean they are believers since most participants who did affiliate with a religion chose more than one (which accounts for the total of more than 100 percent) and only 16 percent of those surveyed admitted to being religious at all. Half of those surveyed said religion had no importance in their daily life. In total, two thirds visit shrines, temples or churches a few times or once per year. Only about 6 percent visit religious buildings weekly or even more frequently.


Most religious rites in Japan originate from a variety of religions. People have Shinto marriages, celebrate Christmas, and hold Buddhist funerals, Japanese do not adhere to one religion. But there is a common religious base in Japan. That is the religion of "family", in other words, ancestor worship.
According to Japanguide.com, if there is any thought to life after death at all, the aim of the average Japanese person is to become an “ancestor spirit” by receiving the religious rites from his/her descendants. If there is a “religion of Japan” this is it.
But recently, due to a high rate of divorce, a decrease in the number of children, and an increase of nuclear families, the "family" system has gradually been disrupted. This means that ties to ancestors are being lost and the religious base has radically broken down. Now is a time of radical change.


Freedom of religion is allowed in the Japanese constitution, but traditional and modern culture combine to form a tremendous barrier to the gospel. Japan is one of the least evangelized countries in Asia. Japan is coping with rapid social change and insecurity. Japan prides itself on peace but shocking events like the Great Hanshin Earthquake in Kobe and the terrorist attack in a Tokyo subway station have rocked Japanese security. In a spiritual sense, Japan is a very needy nation.


This is where I feel God wants me and Bonnie to go and here’s why:
I lived there for six years and saw a fruitful ministry even though I wasn’t there in a ministry capacity
God has planted a love for Asian people in my heart.
About three years ago, God began calling me to take the gospel to people in Asia.
Working for God in Japan will teach Bonnie the spiritual lessons she needs to learn if she is going to do great things for His kingdom.

The power point presentation goes on about things you've heard before. I hope this explains a bit more what you are participating in by joining us in this work in The Land of the Rising Sun. IF you would like to see the powerpoint, I'd love to send it to you, just let me know. Send an e-mail to: karyn@comporium.net

Support letter

I sent the following letter to my friends and family today and wanted to post it here as well, for the record. :) If you received it already, just delete it. Sorry for the double mailing.

Karyn

Most of you are aware that Bonnie and I are seriously considering going to Japan for one to three years as English teachers/missionaries. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know a lot of details, but for those who haven’t, I have decided that we will move forward with plans to go to Japan until God closes the doors. The next step is gauging what type of support we might have since we can’t do this alone. Please look over the areas below and let me know if you feel you can support us and in what way. I do not want to put any pressure on anyone, but believe that God will move people to give out of the resources He has provided. Maybe this is His way of making sure we don’t go to Japan and try to do it all ourselves. Also, going to Japan will have more meaning for me if you share it with us – by praying, by communicating, by giving your time and even financially. Bonnie and I may be the ones going to Japan and touching the Japanese people physically, but you can be involved in God’s work in Japan, too, through us. Won’t you join us?

Come and join the reapers
All the kingdom seekers
Laying down your life to
Find it once again
Come and join the harvest
Help to light the darkness
For the Lord is calling
Faithful men
- Twila Paris


If you want to be a part of the harvest in Japan, please talk to the Lord about it and if He leads you to get involved in a specific way, would you let me know so I can make
plans to move forward? If I don’t hear from people, I will take it as a closed door. Please don’t do anything unless you believe God is leading you to do it. I know He can provide all we need, but I want it to be His way, not in my way. Just so you know, I will be endorsed by my church – either officially “sent” as a missionary or more informally “blessed” as a tentmaker. That will be determined when Raj meets with some guys in my church next week. Any money you give will be tax deductible and will be channeled either through my church or Agape English Language Institute (Raj’s school). Expenditures will be approved by someone from one of those organizations so there will be accountability.

I don’t want to offend anyone or “bug” anyone so if I don’t hear from you, I will remove you from my mailing list so make sure you respond to that question. I would like a response as soon as you can make it since my time is short (Raj wants us to leave in June!) so keep that in mind. Thanks for standing with us the past few years as I pursue my dream of missions in Asia. I hope this is “it” but if not, I will keep pursuing it!

To find out more about what we are doing visit these links:

My blog
http://www.kayceelife.blogspot.com/

The English School in Japan
http://www.aeliusa.com/Japan/index.htm


Agape English Language Institute
http://www.aeliusa.com/

Power Point presentation
I prepared a quick powerpoint presentation on the need for missions in Japan. If you would like to see it, let me know and I’ll e-mail it to you.


Will you look over the areas below and prayerfully consider what, if anything, God may be leading you to do to be a part of missions in Japan? Please hit reply and let me know what God is putting on your heart. I am thrilled to have people like you as my partners in this ministry! If you can give me an indication of your level of commitment, that would be great as well!

MORAL SUPPORT

If you want to remain on my mailing list, please hit reply and let me know.

PRAYER SUPPORT
Will you pray for us regularly? I will continue my blog and will make sure it gets sent to you when it’s updated. If you are on the yahoogroups distribution list for the blog, let me know so I won’t send it to you twice.

HELPING HANDS
Can you send us care packages from the United States (videos, music, food, English books, etc.) a few times per year?
I also need help from people in Rock Hill with
packing
taking stuff to Goodwill and consignment shops
finding boxes
taking stuff to the post office
using your contacts to help find a buyer/renter for my condo and my car


FINANCIAL SUPPORT

One Time Gift
This would help with expenses in getting to Japan (shipping personal items, storage space in the U.S., packing and moving expenses.)I don’t know our total need at this time, but I’ve been unemployed or underemployed for a long time and have no savings at all (in fact, my church has been giving us money every month since December!). Agape pays for our plane tickets to Japan, which is good. But we need a return ticket before Japan will let us into the country. Also, I won’t be able to get a salary until my working visa comes in. The school will pay our room and board while we are volunteers, but there will be some other expenses for those first few months. If we somehow get more money than we need, it can be applied to our monthly support (see below) or spent on materials for the school. I would think that if we received even several thousand dollars, it could be used.

Monthly Support for One Year
The biggest need right now is monthly support for about a year. Currently the school is expanding and that is why they are adding another teacher. But the salary is based on the needs of a single person, not a mom. J I will need money to provide Bonnie adequate childcare while I’m working and to supplement the difference between a single and two people (health insurance, food, visas, transportation expenses in Japan like train tickets, etc.) As students are added, the school will be able to raise my salary until it is adequate for our needs. It’s impossible to know the future, but the plan is that I will only need this support for a year. In any case, that is all you need to commit to at this time. After a year, we will re-evaluate our needs and if we stay in Japan, we will solicit long-term support through traditional methods. It is critical that I know about how much monthly support will come in so if you are comfortable, I really need to know about how much you plan to give. I don’t know the total need yet, but we are thinking it will be about $500 per month (most missionaries in Japan need $6,000 per month or more so our needs are modest). This means that even if you can give $10 or $20, it will go a long way.

Please remember that this is all speculative at this point. I am simply trying to gauge if there is enough support to move forward. Thanks for reading this far and for your love and support for us, not only in this venture, but in our lives. We love you very much. Please pray for us.

Karyn and Bonnie

DEAL or NO DEAL

I have been in utter turmoil for the past few days. Unable to make a decision. I would even test it out to see if I had peace. :) Iwould say, "Yes I'm going" and wait to see if I had peace. Then I would say, "No, I'm staying" and wait. Guess what? I never got peace at all!!!!!

One of the guys from my church, who has been guiding/listening to me for several months now, asked me, "What does Karyn want to do?" Last night, I wrote to them both and told them what Karyn wants and at the end I told them I was NOT going.

But after that, I saw myself in Kurashiki. I saw myself working with the students. I saw Bonnie going to school happy. I saw myself building relationships and gently showing people the God I know. What was this? Somehow, telling them I didn't want to go, freed me to go!

But this morning I still wasn't sure. Then I got this e-mail from my friend Violette (the TEAM missionary) this morning:

Violette wrote: One time I was worried about a decision I had to make. Finally I was able to commit it to God and just expect Him to answer. Then I heard His still small voice telling me what to do, when I wasn't even expecting it. It was while I was working on something. But I felt Him telling me the answer and then I could go forward in confidence.

I learned that worrying, fretting, fearing prevents/hinders you from hearing God. Believing, trusting, expecting prepares you to hear God. It seems worry and fear clutter your mind - so you can't hear! Faith and trust clears your mind - so you can hear!

I read somewhere that worry replaces God on center stage of your life.
Confess it, and put God back on center stage through faith. I like this definition of faith - faith is expecting God to work.

Well, I pray that God will give you faith that He WILL guide you! It would be fun to have you back!

That is where I’ve been for days. After getting this e-mail, I recognized myself. I threw myself on my bed, crying and said, “Daddy, tell me what to do.” And I felt a peace envelope me.

Here is what the new, confident, unafraid Karyn wants:

Karyn wants what God wants.
Karyn wants meaning and purpose in her life no matter where God sends (or keeps me)
Karyn wants what is best for Bonnie (that means eternally best, not necessarily best here on earth).

And finally, Karyn wants to make an informed decision.

So this is what I NEED to do in order to make this decision and this is what I am going to do:

Send an e-mail to my friends/family telling them about the need in Japan and our desire to work for God there and ask if they are willing to support us – with prayer, with their hands (for people in Rock Hill who can help us move) and financially. I won’t ask for a pledge or commitment, but some idea of what they feel led to give. I need to know that before I can decide to go because I simply can’t do it on my own.

Talk to Rachel (the girl currently doing the job) and get some potential childcare lined up (she gave me at least 10 definate possibilities, including a 24 hour daycare center that Agape goes to to teach English and we may be able to work out a deal with them).

Talk to the Japan education expert about what the law is in Japan regarding homeschooling, etc. so I know what I am required to do.

Talk to Raj and get something definate from him about what will happen if my car/condo doesn’t sell/rent/lease before I leave.

If I get the right answers to the above, I will go to Japan. If I don't, then it will be a closed door. Maybe God wasn't telling me what HIS WILL is because the answer was "Not yet. I gave you a mind to make an informed decision. A foolish man presumes upon God. A wise man is prudent and knows what he is getting into before rushing ahead like a fool. "


When I said I didn't want to go, it was out of fear. My dream is the same now as it has been for years -- to go overseas and serve God as a missionary. What in the world was I thinking?

This is MY DECISION. I am totally confident with it.

I am going to Japan IF

• I get the money I need
• I can get quality childcare for Bonnie
• I have aPLAN for my home and car if they are not sold/leased/rented before I leave
• People here in Rock Hill will help me pack and get it all done
  
  If not, that is a closed door.
  
  FINAL ANSWER
  
  TAKE THE DEAL

Double Minded May 4 Japan update

Have been back and forth on this, which is hard. I had a meeting with the guys in my church who are guiding me and got some very good advice: I need to make a decision and stick to it. The church is very supportive, but they first want me to get off the fence -- either side is fine. I'll have to admit that right after that meeting I didn't think I could possibly make a decision. I'm getting so much input that it's hard to sort through. And I love the input. I want it, but eventually, I have to do what I did when I went to Japan in the first place and what I did when I decided to adopt Bonnie -- choose what is right for me and go with it.

Some thoughts that have come to me since that meeting:

• Determining GOD'S WILL can be very scary -- especially when we look at it so seriously. I'm so scared about making the wrong decision that I can't move at all. Then I remembered the first time I went to Japan. I had been given the offer and said "no" without thinking about it. Then, as I was driving in the car, God spoke to me. I had been begging Him for a chance to leave the country and teach English somewhere. I just didn't want to do it in Japan. Then He said something only God could say, "This is a gift for you," He said. You won't be out of my will if you don't go, but you will be IN my will if you DO go. It's your choice and I'm giving it to you. But, if you choose NOT to go, you will be missing a wonderful present I have for you. As I sat here today, trying to figure out GOD'S WILL (Cuz that's what Raj wants me to determine and that's what it boils down to with my church, too), He seemed to say to me, "Stop trying to figure that out. On this one, maybe I don't have A WILL ( specifically). Maybe, like the last time, either one is OK. But one is probably better. That was a huge relief to me. Even if I make a mistake, God will be with me.
• Whether I live in Japan or in the U.S., it is going to be stressful to take care of Bonnie. I am currently working three jobs and raising her alone. AND driving 100 miles a day. The rest of my life is going to involve working full time and trying to care for Bonnie. NO matter where I live, Bonnie will have to have child care. Raj is being so flexible about things that it's hard to believe. I told him I couldn't work on weekends. Done. I told him I needed more money. Done. I told him I couldn't work both mornings and evenings. Done. I told him I wanted to bring Bonnie to some of my classes. Done. Done. Done. This is a good indication to me that he will continue to be flexible as things come up in Japan.
• I have to determine who to listen to and remember that God is BIG. He is very BIG. It is a privelege to get the chance to see how BIG He is.
• My friend Frank told me to chase my dreams and chase them hard. When I was growing up, my mom told me the same thing. She never pushed me toward certain activities or vocations or types of boyfriends, etc. When I got in my car and drove from northern Illinois to SC, her heart was in her throat (she told me later) but I had NO idea. She wanted me to follow my dreams. And I want that for Bonnie. It is another legacy from my mom to her. Follow your dreams. If I do go to Japan, even if I fail, Bonnie will see someone who dreams BIG and dares to believe that God will do big things; someone who is bold enough to GO FOR IT. That is the way I have always been and it is the way I can't help but be. If I do'nt follow my dreams, I will not be me. God knew what He was doing when He put Bonnie with me. We are so well suited to each other, it's amazing. He knew I was a person who had to GO, to dream big and try to make it happen. If all my dreams for Bonnie's future are to come true, she will need to be that kind of person. It's my family's legacy and Bonnie was adopted into it.

So I need to take about 24 hours and decide. But after I decide, there will be no turning back. Same as when I adopted Bonnie. I really didn't listen to anyone who thought I couldn't/shouldn't do it. When I ran into an obstacle, I refused to take no for an answer. Because I knew it was the right thing to do. Yes, I was willing all along for God to close the door, as hard as it might be, but I didn't start with that assumption. If I decide to go to Japan, that will be IT. We will go forward until God stops us. IF I decide not to go, that's IT. I will be back to the job hunt and give up the idea of missions altogether because if this isn't the right mission field for me, nothing is.

If you have any final thoughts, please let me know! I should be back this time tomorrow with a decision. One way or the other.

May 2 Japan update

As I look into living in Japan, I've run up to some major challenges regarding Bonnie. Here's the latest:

I recently talked with a couple of friends who are TEAM missionaries in Okayama and they have serious concerns about me bringing Bonnie to Japan. Violette has a friend who is an expert in educating missionary kids in Japan. When Violette contacted her friend about this situation, she thought it was a terrible idea for me to bring Bonnie to Japan under these circumstances. Paul grew up in Japan as an MK and has been there almost all of his life (he is in his late 40s). I have outlined their concerns below. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions about God’s will here, but this does seem like something that needs to be seriously considered.

§ Japanese are friendly to Westerners, but very cold toward other Orientals. There is a serious prejudice, especially, against Chinese.
§ Since adoption is not an accepted concept in Japan and they do not have the American attitude toward multicultural families, we could very possibly have even more problems than the average westerner in Japan.
§ Since I would be working sometime in the mornings and sometimes in the evenings, as well as on Saturdays, when would I see her? She might be able to come to some of my classes (with the kids her age) but how would I get her to and from a babysitter around my schedule? In Paul’s words, “Working out your English class schedule to fit around her needs would be a big challenge.” I’m not sure Agape school is in a position right now for that flexibility.
§ Bonnie would need to learn how to read and write in English since she would be in 1st grade. Is it realistic to think I could homeschool her AND work full time and do ministry and live in a foreign culture, etc?
§ There is a Christian school in Saidaiji about an hour away and that would be a friendly environment, but then it would cost a lot of money and I would still need to help her with English studies on my own. I would need to move closer to Saidaiji to send her there. I would really need a car.

Paul’s final words were this: “Sorry for the rather dismal response.We would love to have you as our friend out here again, but I can't honestly say you would be able to make a good living and meet Bonnie's needs by coming.”

I share this with a trusted friend here in the states and got this response (which I completely agree with) : “Serious considerations from trusted friends. I would know nothing of what he says, but you should take this very seriously.
It also sounded to me like Raj has not fully offered you the position until he gets confirmation from your church.
Use these cautions as from the Lord. Be willing to go wherever He wants. Also be willing not to do something that He stops.
It's not clear to me which this is yet. But, unlike my first reaction, these are serious concerns that may put the brakes on. ”

I on’t want to limit God. I don’t want to say this is too big a problem for Him to overcome, but I don’t want to be foolish either. I would love to go to Japan in a very flexible environment, recruit students, put some of my ideas into action for social activities and building relationships, communication with parents, etc. I’m bursting with ideas and nothing would make me happier than going back to Japan. However, I’m not sure Agape school is in a position to provide the flexibility Bonnie would need.

Still, I can’t say “no.” The first time I went to Japan, I really didn’t want to go, but God was so much wiser than I. He knows me better than I know myself and He knew Japan was the perfect place for me. I would like to think that things would work out for Bonnie. Didn’t God put us together? I believe He has a ministry we can do and a place for us. If Japan is perfect for me, doesn’t he know that I have a Chinese child?

On the other hand, as Paul pointed out to me, God HAS already given me a ministry – raising one Chinese child. I don’t believe He would call me to “sacrifice” her for a ministry in Japan. So I really don’t know what to make of this.

In addition, there are the additional considerations of my debt, my mortgage, my car lease. Putting them all together, do I takethis as a closed door? Or a challenge to overcome? I honestly don’t feel I can answer that question.

If you have any thoughts, please e-mail me with them or comment here. And, of course, keep praying.

Karyn

Always on Your Side - not about Japan

I've been hearing this song on the radio lately. It's funny because I don't relate to the narrator's point of view, but to the person the narrator is describing: waiting to be picked, the angels and the demons, wandering eternally looking for -- something -- what, I don't know, but I DO know I don't have it . I see love all around me, but I have no idea how to pull it close and experience it. Butterflies are destined to fly. You can't pin them down without killing them. But sometimes I wonder if the butterflies would rather stay crawling along the ground where it's safe, where life moves at a slower pace, where the wind doesn't blow you to and fro. I guess, in their own way, butterflies are square pegs, too. At least I think they are in this song. Scroll down past the lyrics to watch the music video (clean) if you want. It's Sheryl Crow and Sting.

"Always On Your Side"
My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappeared
Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought you'd be
Leavin' me with no place left to go from here
Leavin' me so many questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are we left to wonder, all alone, eternally
But is this how it's really meant to be
No is it how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

If the video doesn't play, click on the link to the website and do a search for "Always On Your Side" and you'll get it. It's worth it! It's free. :)

Sheryl Crow - Always On Your Side

Non-financial needs -- HELP!

If you live in my area and have some time, I'll take whatever time you can give me to help with packing and stuff like that. I am still working 3 jobs and trying to get this all done. This is a list of what I need right now. Call me if you think you can help.

• Boxes -- if you pick some up, leave them on my porch any time.
• Someone to take my furniture to the consignment store -- sooner rather than later. I need to get everything outta here except the bed, a TV and a couch. I'm SERIOUS. The place won't sell or rent with all this junk in here. :)
• Someone to take little stuff to Goodwill or the charity of your choice. I've got to get it off the porch. Or call Goodwill and arrange for them to come get it.
• Someone to help me pack.
• Someone who might have a climate-controlled area to store the things we aren't going to sell or take with us: Some boxes of scrapbooks and family mementos, some family furniture I don't want to sell: a desk, hall table, dresser and bedstand (you can use it or store it).

More to come

ups and downs

Just got an e-mail today from a group of women I have known since Sept 1999. That is the month we sent our paperwork to china for our babies. I have only met a few of them, but we are very close. They said they would pay for our passports! That is just too much. I don't even know what to say.

It has been an overwhelming day. I talked to Raj this morning, directed my 8th graders in their big production of Caesar this morning after teaching my 8 a.m. class at the Tech School here. Had conflicting advice from people I really respect about how to handle my car and house and it seems overwhleming to ever get ready in 6 weeks.

On the other hand, I've been getting a lot of confirmation that this is right for me. I LOVE Raj as a "boss" and I'm ready to go. I'm just NOT ready to do all the packing. Why do I have so much stuff?!?

If you live near me and are willing to help out with some things, please contact me. I need stuff. I'll put it on another blog entry.

Karyn

april 27 update out of order

THis update is published out of order. I found it in my drafts box! But wanted to get it up here. Don't know how to change the order of things. Sorry. But please read the more cenent updates.

Some of these are prayer requests and others are needs I have (financial, etc.) I don't want to be disingenuous and pretend to ask for prayer when I really want money (or something else) but I truly do want you to pray. If you feel moved to give money or time or whatever, DON'T do it unless you are SURE it is what God wants you to do. He can totally meet my needs. He has the money.

• I told Raj I want to go and he is going to check my references. Please pray about this as my current boss does NOT like me AT ALL.
• Since I've been unemployed or part-time employed for the past 4 years, I don't have any extra cash anywhere to spare. I am going to ask Raj if I can raise some support to help me with expenses involved in getting to Japan and to help pay for care for Bonnie while I'm there. Not sure if he will allow that to go through his organization or if I need to have someone else do it, but no WAY do I want the money to go to me. There needs to be accountability AND I am hoping I can get tax-exempt status if it goes to Raj's ministry for my use (like missionaries typically do).
• Urgent: $350 to get Bonnie's and my passports. I can't even begin the process until I have the money to pay and then it takes about 2 weeks.
• Help packing up. I don't have much time to empty this place out and take things to storage, consignment stores and good will. I'd like to have a garage sale to raise some of the money I need, but not sure i have the time/energy since I am still working!!!!! My dream is that someone would volunteer to do that for me. :) Ha!
• I need to get out of the lease on my car. I've been told this will be impossible -- but we know God can do it. Please pray about this. IF I can't get out of it, I will have to either: abandon my plans to go to Japan, declare bankruptcy or let them repossess the car. I need God's intervention, frankly -- a miracle.
• A place to store my stuff. I think I can get it down to a few boxes, but I can't leave them in an attic becuase my photos and stuff can't be exposed to the elements.
• A property management company willing to take this on for a reasonable price. I have NO idea what I'm getting into here and need wisdom.
• Stamina to finish my responsibilities at my two schools. York Tech finishes next week. Woodlawn finishes the first week in June. Bonnie finishes May 23.
• Money to pay to send some boxes to Japan since we can only take suitcases each.
• Someone to volunteer to send us American food, TV shows/movies and possibly music (from radio), church services etc. Also some medicines -- over the counter and prescription. I will NOT be able to survive in Japan without it.
• Figure out what to do about my allergy shots. I'm allergic to rice, soy and chicken so I need to be able to take these shots in Japan. I can give them to myself, but the serum only lasts a few weeks. :(

Does this seem daunting? It seems challenging to me. God is so gracious! I have the attitude (which could only come from HIM) that He is in control and it will all be OK. For Bonnie's sake, I refuse to panic. IF God is sending us, it will be a calm and peaceful process with NO YELLING!

Japan Prayer Needs

This is the first set of prayer requests that I sent out. Answers are in blue.

• Reassurance that this is the right thing to do. On 4-27, I told Raj I felt God wanted me to go forward. Many of my friends have pointed out the pros and cons and I appreciate all of you. I don't want people to just agree with me! I need to go into this realistically. I feel God could be "calling" me to Japan. Now I just wait for the open/closed doors.
• An indication from Bonnie that she is willing to go (so far, so good) We have talked about it. She cried a little at the thought of leaving all her friends, but generally she is positive and sometimes even excited! But she really has no clue what she is getting into. Please pray for her
• The same peace that I had about going to Japan the first time (doesn’t mean absence from fear! I had plenty of that, but I knew it was from God. Raj and I both know that when things get tough in Japan I will need to remember that God wants me there.) On Wednesday, I asked God to just give me reassurance that He was with me though this and He graciously gave me even more -- the peace -- the same peace I had before that He knows what He created when He formed me and He knows where I will thrive, even if it flies in the face of man's logic. Japan is good for me -- it was before and it will be again. (And if it isn't, we can always go home!)
• Support from some people I respect who know me and what I’ve been going through the past few years (some of those people may be YOU!)
• Indication that I will be able to sell my car
• and RENT my condo (I don’t want to sell it – long story) I've been given the names of several property management companies who may be interested which is good enough for me to move forward. Of course, I need to be praying that someone will be willing to do it for the right price. Fortunately, my mortgage is pretty low.
• The “right” answers from Raj about a couple of concerns
• Indication that some of my friends will support us (prayer, initial finances to get over there, help with the condo, connections sending stuff and helping me with my U.S. banking while we’re in Japan).
• Indication that we’ll be able to get passports by mid-June (both of ours have expired). No problem with timing, but they will be very expensive and I don't have the $350 this will take.
• Please also pray for the Crafts, Bonnie’s adopted grandparents. This will be VERY hard for them to deal with. Pray especially for Howard. Merle was very supportive when I told her, but I knew it would be harder on Howard, especially since his son died last year. I cried when I told Merle about all of this, but she was so sweet. Please continue to pray for Howard.

Rising Sun -- maybe

BIG STUFF happening here. Let me give you the story as it happened. On Monday I went to church to sign my daughter up for summer sports camps. While there, I see a notice on the employment bulletin board about a guy I know who is looking for teacher's in Japan. This reminds me that a friend had mentioned this opportunity to me before and I need to check it out. I call the guy and we start talking about it. Sounds a lot like what I did in Japan for six years - working at a private school, teaching mostly kids. I casually ask him where the school is. "Kurashiki," he answers. I almost drop the phone. Kurashiki is the town one train stop away from where I lived in Japan. I actually TAUGHT at a school in Kurashiki for several years. Kurashiki is one of my favorite places in Japan. It is "home." I start to get excited and we decide to meet the next day. By the end of our conversation, he tells me that he would like me to come to Japan for at least a year, possibly long-term/semi-permanently as a teacher/manager of the school. I am supposed to give him an answer by Tuesday, May 2 BECAUSE he needs this person to start mid-June (yes, folks, that is less than 6 weeks from now). So I am thinking about it until Tuesday and then if I decide to go forward, it will depend on things like getting a passport in time, selling my car(I'm in a very unfriendly lease) and renting out my condo. If all of that works out, we will be OUTTA here mid June. Unbelievable.

So, I think this blog may transition into a place to record this saga so everyone can keep up. :) Should be an exciting journey.

Imagine Me 2

I went through a short period of Kirk Franklin love last week. :)

Ain't he cute? But he's married, girls, so stop that thinking. I don't know much about the guy or his life, but I like the fantasy I'm creating. LOL. I watched his video, Lean on Me, at Yahoo videos. Very cool. I highly recommend you look at it. It is moving. Young girl in the ghetto with a baby has a fight with her boyfriend and gets kicked out. She sits on the steps, watching the guys around her play basketball, whatever. And someone comes up and puts an arm around her. Sits on the steps with her, holds the baby, literally holding her burden for her. This is something I think white Christian America is missing. We have so much and we can't comprehend what it's like to have so little. Sure, when Katrina hits we rush to take in a "victim" and salve our consciences, but we keep our distance. The black church and the white church stay separate (especially here in SC). The black church, with so little, gives its "widow's mite" to those with even less while the white churches build huge monuments to its success, installs stained-glass windows, employs Mexican gardners to manicure the church grounds. How will we face God when we die and explain how we spent one dollar on bricks while His people starved around us?

"Lean On Me"

This is for that little child with no father
For that man that doesn't have a place to stay
For that little boy living with AIDS

There's a man
Standing on the corner
He has no home
He has no food
And his blue skies are gone
Can't you hear him cryin' out

And there's a girl
Searching for a father and a friend
Praying that the storm someday will end
But instead of walking away
Open up your heart and say

I am here
You don't have to worry
I can see your tears
I'll be there in a hurry when you call
Friends are there to catch you when you fall
Here's my shoulder, you can lean on me

Oh, there's a child
Who is sick and begging to be free
But there is no cure for his disease
He looks up to his mother and
As she holds his hand
Prayin' that someday
The sun will shine again
And the pain will end

I am here
You don't have to worry
I can see your tears
I'll be there in a hurry when you call
Friends are there to catch you when you fall
Here's my shoulder, you can lean on me


Tell me, how can I, how can I love Jesus
When I've never seen His face
Yeah, I see you dying
And I turn and walk away

So hold my hand
Let me take you to a friend of mine
He's waiting just to ease your troubled mind
He loves you more than you'll ever know
'Stead of walking away
Open up your heart and say

I am here
You don't have to worry
I can see your tears
I'll be there in a hurry when you call
Friends are there to catch you when you fall
Here's my shoulder, you can lean on me
You're my friend but you're also my brother
Here's my shoulder, you can lean on me

Quote of the Moment

One of my favorite mailings is from Voice of the Martyrs, started by Richard Wurmbrand who spent 14 years in Romanian prisons. I recently ran across a scrap of paper I had saved from one of their magazines . My green pen had drawn a square around a couple of paragraphs that must have meant a lot to me a few months ago when I read it. It's something that only a "square peg" would have written:

"No, I will not deny Him. My mind does not know who He is or where He is. When I was strung up by my arms with my toes barely reaching the floor . . ., I had no evidence that He exists. I was inclined to accuse Him as St. Theresa before me dared to accuse Him, 'O Lord, no wonder You have so few friends when You treat them so hard.' But I believe in the incomprehensible and terrible One. I believe that He is love, although at this moment I feel nothing of His love. I have to believe in its expression in a sacrifice 2000 years ago. I will not leave Him, nor deny Him, even if [it seems] He leaves me."

Some people are able to go through hardships gracefully. It never occurs to them to utter the words of St. Theresa -- but I'm not one of them. I have often, often said these same words to God: Why do you treat us so hard? The answer to that question could fill several books on theology and I'm not going to get into it now. Yet, I wonder what it is in us, at least some of us like Wurmbrand, Theresa and me, that goes on believing even when we feel that God is NOT sustaining us, and in fact, He might be the one inflicting the pain on us (which is not true, but the way we feel sometimes). I suspect it is God's Spirit living in us Who keeps that hope up. Without that, where would we be?

The good news is that even if we do deny Him, He remains faithful. He cannot deny Himself. (2 Timothy 2:13)

Imagine Me

This morning I went to meet with a friend of mine at church. He is one of the ministers and I guess he is supposed to be helping me get a grip on my life. While we were talking, I mentioned to him a song I ran into recently by Kirk Franklin called "Imagine Me." I was trying to tell him what it was all about when he jumped on his computer and pulled up the lyrics on the internet. "Do you mean this one?" he asked as he started reading:

Thank you for allowing me to see myself the way you see me . . .

Imagine me
loving what I see when the
mirror looks at me cuz I
I imagine me

"Yes, that's the one," I answered. As he continued reading, I began to cry.

In a place
of no insecurities And
I'm finally happy cuz
I imagine me

Letting go
of all of the ones who hurt me
cuz they never did deserve me
can you imagine me ?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me,
Lord can you imagine me ?

Being a man of action, my friend promptly downloaded the song (legally!) and it started to boom out of the speakers in his office, filling the room:

over what ma mamma said
And healed from what my daddy did And
I wanna live and not read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally
finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
but finally I can...
Imagine me

I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me like a gentle waterfall, splashing over my hair, falling down my shoulders, filling the room.

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
you won't get that joy this time around
can you imagine me?

In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fear's gone away
Can you imagine me?

I think of heaven. No fear. No pain. No crying. No sickness. No hurt. NO PAST!

Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance And
my heart will dance
Cause I don't have to read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally

finally I can...
Imagine me

I admit it was hard to see

You being in love with someone like me but

finally I can...
Imagine me

I imagine me being free. Ill be honest with you, it was hard.

Spoken:

This song is dedicated to people like me -- always they struggle with insecurities, acceptance and even self esteem. You never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough. But imagine God whispering in your ear letting you know that everything that has happened is now gone. It's all gone. Every sin, every mistake, every failure, it's all gone. Depression, it's al gone. By faith, it's gone. Low self esteem, allelujia it's gone, all gone. All my scars, all my pain, it's in the past. It's yesterday it's all gone. God, No! What your mother did, what your faither did. Hallelujia. It's gone.

Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone

My friend and I talked about a lot of other stuff today, but what will stay in my mind forever is that moment, that song playing, knowing that he feels so many of the same things I do and knowing that the music was washing over him as it was washing over me. The tears rolling down my face as I listened to something I know is only a fingertip away from me -- the place where it is all gone. The ability not to read that page again. To tear it out, crumple it up and fling it into the fire. God sees us there already and when I hear that song, for a moment, I see myself there, too. It HAS to be possible. It's the only thing I have left to hope for.

Kaycee

Et tu, Brute?

If you're not into Shakespeare, you might not want to read this one. My 8th grade English students are currently reading Caesar and one way I'm getting them to understand it is by having them rewrite it in their own slang. Some of what they write just cracks me up! I had to share it. This is why I LOVE teaching. When I first met these jokers in August, I never expected something this clever out of them. Working on this Caesar project is EXACTLY why I love teaching.

Here's a small excerpt from Act 1, Scene 2. Cassius (the guy who came up with the idea to assassinate Caesar because he is becoming too power hungry) approaches Brutus (Caesar's best friend) to get a sense of whether or not he might convince Brutus to join his side. In the distance, the people are shouting as Caesasr is offered the crown and turns it down.

Cassius: What’s up dude? You’re like, not here.
Brutus: I’m sick. Just ignore me.
Cassius: I feel your pain dude. Don’t fret it. You’re cool.

Sound of shouting

Brutus: Why the shouting? Did the peeps choose Caesar as king? (note: "peeps" means "people"
Cassius: (in a mocking tone)Why, are you scared?
Brutus: No, should I be?
Cassius: Darn straight. Caesar’s not my daddy. I had his back in a shootout once and he got capped. But I saved him and now he thinks I’m dirt.

Sound of shouting

Brutus: Those fools are shouting again? Can’t they get enough?
Cassius: He’s not our president. Let’s pull a JFK. That stupid fly. We should pull up to that bumper and smack that monkey.
Brutus: If you don’t pay me no respect, I don’t care, fool. I’d rather be back on the west side than thrust into this political stuff.
Cassius: You feelin’ me, dog, but I know you want some of this.
Brutus: The games are through.
Cassius: Yo, when they come this way, dawg, grab my G, Cinna, he’ll tell us what the big brother been doing. Note: "G" means "friend"

Caesar and Antony enter and stay on the other side of the stage.

Brutus: (whispers to Cassius) I feel ya. What’s wrong with my friend Caesar? He looks a cracka. "cracka" is "white cracker" and it means "pale"
Cassius: See what the matta be.

Caesar to Antonia: Antonia. Note:Antony is being played by a girl in our production

Antony: Sir?
Caesar: Can we trust Cassius? He looks hungry for power.
Antony: He won’t betray us.
Caesar: We aren’t the best of mates. He might, oh, how do the commoners say it – “cramp my style”. What do you think?
Antony: “He ain’t trippin,” as the commoners say.

And here's the scene where the conspirators come to Brutus' house in the middle of the night:

Cassius: Why you trippin’ Brutus?
Brutus: I’ve been awake all night. Who’re these fools?
Cassius: These fools wanna put caps in Caesar. You know our brutha, Casca.
Brutus: Wazzup?
Cassius: And our brutha from another mutha, Cinna.
Brutus: Come in. What’s happening?
Cinna: Group hug!
Casssius: Westside!

Quote of the Moment

I'd like to commit to doing these every day or even every week, but I know my limits. Just wanted to share this quote:

"You cannot add to the peace and good will of the world if
you fail to create an atmosphere of harmony and love right
where you live."

*Thomas Dreier


I have a passion for peace and good will in the world, but I'm not so good at creating harmony right where I live. So many things are like this. We can love our "neighbors" globally, but it's much harder to love the guy right down the street. Why is that? I think for me it's because I like the notion of peace and good will and when viewed globally it's abstract and something that would be nice to do -- some day. But when viewed as the guy next door or even the person who lives in my home with me, that's much harder. I have to sacrifice something to create harmony and love right here.

The hypocrisy of this torments me. I want to be Mother Teresa loving the unloveable -- touching the untouchables. I find myself in a deadly serious life struggle as I watch the round pegs all around me loving the world abstractly. But that blasted square peg won't let me drift in the sea of round pegs. That squared off top keeps scratching and cutting the smooth roundness all around me. I want to run off and love the lepers, save the orphans, singlehandedly turn around the foster child system in the U.S.

But I'm also a very sensitive square peg. Do you remember the movie Edward Scissorhands? His hands were made of sharp scissors. He was so odd and even scary. He wanted to give you a hug, but he would accidentally stab you instead. A few people embraced him; they saw beyond the huge scissor waving in their faces. They saw that Edward had scars on his own face, from cutting himself. They rescued him. For the life of me, I can't remember how that movie ended. Did the townspeople crucify him? Did they accept him? Did he destroy himself? I don't know. And my life is the same way. Will anyone accept me? Will I destroy everyone around me? Will I destroy myself?

Or will I save the world?

Or neither?

I want to be the one who saves the world. But I am sure I will never do it. This is my struggle. Since I am a serious, "real" (whatever term you care to use) Christian, I have been taught that the answer to this struggle has something to do with God. But I can't figure it out. I guess I am going through a spiritual crisis.

I hope I survive it.

KayCee