Having an interesting night tonight. I just lost it and cried for the last half hour because I saw Bonnie’s PE shirt laying out for school, which made me realize that I had to write her name and grade and classroom letter on it before PE tomorrow because I havent’ done it yet, even though she’s been in school for three months now.
And the reason I haven’t done it is because it has to be done in a certain way – the letters have to be a certain size, done with a specific kind of pen on this material you can buy at the store that has to be cut to the precise size and ironed on. But, since she will be in second grade in April (the school year starts in April here) I will have to change it all again so I should really baste it on rather than iron it on . . . and I don’t’ know where the iron-on material is that I bought to do this with and I can’t find the paper the school gave me with the precise measurements and placement of everything AND to top it all off and what sent me over the edge is that I don’t know how to write it all in Japanese and I can’t read the Japanese instructions blah blah blah.
AND there is more that I can’t even begin to get into here about school. I am really stressing out her teacher, apparently, and there is misunderstandings on all sides and I can't communicate so really can’t straighten it out. And I don’t want them to treat Bonnie any differently than the other students, but they are constantly offering to do it so I thought it was OK, but maybe it isn’t . . .
And the e-mail list that Iused to vent to isn't safe anymore because someone on there thinks I'm a negative person who is ruining Bonnie's life. So every time I post something, I am wondering what she will think of it and if I'm proving her right that I really am a negative person who is ruining Bonnie's life.
And I think everyone hates me.
And I hate myself most of all.
And I can’t go back to the U.S. cuz I can’t get a job there so I should really stay here another year, but Bonnie really wants to go home and cries every day before school.
Oh, and today on the way home from school some boys were pulling her backpack and supposedly calling her names (but who knows cuz B doesn’t speak Japanese, but the pulling the backpack was not nice anyway . . .) and I feel guilty that I have her here.
And I looked at her baby pictures tonight and realized that I will never, ever be going back to China for another baby. Ever.
And one of my favorite students told me tonight that she is quitting in April to move to Turkey and live with a guy she met on the internet . . .
So I just started crying and couldn’t stop. And I know this is culture shock because I just read an article that says when you have culture shock you act like this.
And that helps a little bit.
But, being me, I needed a place to vent. So here you go. My blog entry for today. . . If you reply, please be gentle with me!
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4 comments:
Karyn, it's Tina from RH. Firstly, I am so so sorry that I haven't replied to your posts. I look forward to reading them and catching up with how you and Bonnie are doing. I admire you so much for taking this step in faith. I know how difficult it was for you both. I think it's perfectly normal to have these feelings. Lord knows I have them often enough, and I'm not living in a foreign country where I can't understand half of what is being said. I don't know what God's plan if for you. But I do know that God has a plan for you and He will use this for His purpose. You are the apple of His eye. Holy and set apart. Read Psalm 40. I love you, friend, and am praying for you and Bonnie. And I promise to do a better job of responding to you.
Tina
Hi Karyn,
I just found your blog today and wanted to say my heart goes out to you. My hope is that Bonnie will be enriched by her experiences in Japan (and that you will too) ultimately. As a very young child, I lived in both Bangladesh and Iran, and though the transition was initially really hard, I now look back on those being some of my most cherished memories. I haven't had time to browse your archives, so I'm not sure how old Bonnie is...I'll get back to reading though as soon as I'm done with this post!
As for your feelings of being negative, I think it's strange that society frowns upon true emotion. If you are having a rough time, that is OKAY. And furthermore, it's perfectly understandable! In the last 1.5 years, I was divorced, cancelled an adoption 2 months from referral, and lost my mom- I've learned the value in embracing my pain, embracing myself where I am- if we don't allow ourselves that luxury, I think we end up carrying baggage... we end up working AROUND what we're going through, rather than working THROUGH it. So vent. Talk. Reach out. I'm saving your blog to my favs, and I'll be following along as one of your listeners (and cheerleaders)!
Kris
madly chasing Macey on my own now!
Oh, wow. That just sounds like the crummiest day, ever. Ok, maybe not ever... but I hate those kinds of days. I am sure it is normal to have these feelings... I have them and my daughter isn't even here yet. (and, i, too, won't ever be able to adopt from china after this first time. waaaaah).
I know we're not friends and you don't know me... but I am really sending you positive vibes and praying that you remember that you ARE LOVED and that you DO LOVE yourself. Really.
Life is good (even if it doesn't always feel that way).
Peace.
Melissa
LID 10/31/05
babyheaton.blogspot.com
Hey thanks everyone who wrote. Blogger is supposed to tell me when someone posts a comment, but that's not happening. It sure is good to hear from these people out of my past. Things are going better today. Who knows about tomorrow! :)
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