nametag sends me over the edge

Having an interesting night tonight. I just lost it and cried for the last half hour because I saw Bonnie’s PE shirt laying out for school, which made me realize that I had to write her name and grade and classroom letter on it before PE tomorrow because I havent’ done it yet, even though she’s been in school for three months now.

And the reason I haven’t done it is because it has to be done in a certain way – the letters have to be a certain size, done with a specific kind of pen on this material you can buy at the store that has to be cut to the precise size and ironed on. But, since she will be in second grade in April (the school year starts in April here) I will have to change it all again so I should really baste it on rather than iron it on . . . and I don’t’ know where the iron-on material is that I bought to do this with and I can’t find the paper the school gave me with the precise measurements and placement of everything AND to top it all off and what sent me over the edge is that I don’t know how to write it all in Japanese and I can’t read the Japanese instructions blah blah blah.

AND there is more that I can’t even begin to get into here about school. I am really stressing out her teacher, apparently, and there is misunderstandings on all sides and I can't communicate so really can’t straighten it out. And I don’t want them to treat Bonnie any differently than the other students, but they are constantly offering to do it so I thought it was OK, but maybe it isn’t . . .

And the e-mail list that Iused to vent to isn't safe anymore because someone on there thinks I'm a negative person who is ruining Bonnie's life. So every time I post something, I am wondering what she will think of it and if I'm proving her right that I really am a negative person who is ruining Bonnie's life.

And I think everyone hates me.

And I hate myself most of all.

And I can’t go back to the U.S. cuz I can’t get a job there so I should really stay here another year, but Bonnie really wants to go home and cries every day before school.

Oh, and today on the way home from school some boys were pulling her backpack and supposedly calling her names (but who knows cuz B doesn’t speak Japanese, but the pulling the backpack was not nice anyway . . .) and I feel guilty that I have her here.

And I looked at her baby pictures tonight and realized that I will never, ever be going back to China for another baby. Ever.

And one of my favorite students told me tonight that she is quitting in April to move to Turkey and live with a guy she met on the internet . . .

So I just started crying and couldn’t stop. And I know this is culture shock because I just read an article that says when you have culture shock you act like this.

And that helps a little bit.

But, being me, I needed a place to vent. So here you go. My blog entry for today. . . If you reply, please be gentle with me!